Why do my siblings resent me for working in the business?

Siblings often resent the one who works in the family business because of what the role seems to bring: daily time with the parent, information they do not have, influence over something the whole family cares about, and a central place in the family story. The resentment is usually about fairness and belonging more than the job itself. It eases when you listen, share information and stop defending the role.

This article is about the relationship and the conversations between you. How families separate ownership, leadership and family roles, and who decides what, is covered in siblings and the successor. Questions about shares, inheritance or employment terms belong with your parent and the family’s legal and financial advisors, not in a conversation between siblings.

Where does the resentment come from?

It rarely comes from one thing. More often it is a mix of the following.

Access to the parent. You see your parent every day and talk about something they care about deeply. Your siblings may feel that the parent’s attention and approval have moved towards you.
Information. You know how the business is doing, what is being planned and what went wrong last quarter. They hear about it second-hand, or late, or not at all.
A future decided without them. Even siblings who never wanted the job may worry about decisions being made about something they will partly own, or something the family’s security depends on.
Choices that did not feel like choices. A sibling who was never asked, who was steered elsewhere, or who left the business years ago and now wonders.
Visible differences. A title, a salary, a company car, a seat at the table with advisors. These are easy to see from outside and easy to misread.
Older family patterns. Who was the favourite, who was relied on, who was overlooked. The business can become the new place where an old story plays out.
Silence. In many families nobody talks about any of this. When nothing is said, people fill the gap with assumptions, and the assumptions are usually worse than the facts.

Are they right to feel this way?

Feelings are not a verdict, and the question of who is right tends to make things worse. A more useful question is: what are they seeing that I am not?

From the inside, the role may feel like a burden. Long hours, constant comparison with the founder, little praise and a lot of responsibility. From the outside, it can look like privilege, proximity and a head start. Both pictures can be true at the same time. Your sibling does not see your worst Tuesday. You may not see what it is like to be the one at the family table who is not part of the conversation.

What tends to make it worse?

Most of these are understandable. All of them deepen the gap.

Defending the role every time it comes up. It signals that you feel the role needs defending, and invites the argument.
Talking business at family gatherings in a way that leaves out anyone not in the company.
Acting as the family’s boss. Leading the business is not the same as leading the family.
Using your parent as the messenger. Letting your parent explain your decisions to your siblings, or carrying messages the other way, turns a relationship between siblings into a triangle.
Complaining about the job to a sibling who wanted it, or who feels shut out of it.
Avoiding them. Distance feels safer in the short term and confirms their worst assumptions in the long term.

How do you start the conversation?

One sibling at a time

A group conversation quickly turns into positions and alliances. A conversation with one sibling, somewhere neutral and without the parent present, has a much better chance of being honest.

Begin by listening

Open with a question, not an explanation. Something like:

“I have a feeling that me working in the business has been hard for you, or at least not simple. I would like to understand how it looks from your side.”

Then listen without correcting. You will hear things that seem unfair or inaccurate. Let them finish. Ask what they mean. The aim of the first conversation is understanding, not agreement.

Acknowledge what is true

If you have had more time with your parent, say so. If they found out about something important after the employees did, say so. Acknowledging a fact is not apologising for the role. It shows that you can see their side, which is often what they have been waiting for.

Separate what you can change from what you cannot

You cannot change the fact that you are in the role, and you should not pretend otherwise. You can change a great deal around it:

How you share information, such as a short, regular update to siblings who are or will be owners.
How you behave at family occasions, including keeping business talk to a minimum.
Whether they are asked for their view on matters that affect them, before decisions are final.
How you speak about them at work and to your parent.

Some things are not yours to decide, such as ownership, inheritance or whether another family member can join the business. Say so honestly and point to where those decisions do belong.

Ask what would help

End with a specific question: “What is one thing I could do differently that would make this easier?” Specific requests can be met. General grievances cannot.

What should you not promise?

Do not make private promises about shares, dividends, jobs or the future of the business. Even with good intentions, a promise you cannot keep will create a far bigger problem later. These are family and ownership questions that need your parent, often the family’s advisors, and sometimes a proper family meeting. How to run a family meeting about succession describes how families do that.

What can your parent do?

Much of this sits with the parent, and a successor can gently ask for it.

Speak to each child directly, rather than through the one who works in the business.
Explain the reasoning behind the choice of successor, if a choice was made, so that you are not left to justify it.
Make time with children outside the business that is not about the business.
Keep family questions in family forums, not in conversations at the office.

What if it does not get better?

Some resentment fades slowly, and some lasts. Keep doing the things you can control: share information, listen, keep business out of family time, and do not keep score.

If the relationship is badly strained, or the same argument keeps returning, outside help is worth considering. A family business advisor or facilitator can help with the structure and the conversations. A family therapist or counsellor can help when the difficulty is the relationship itself. You are responsible for how you behave, not for every feeling your siblings have.

In short

Sibling resentment usually comes from access, information and fairness, not the job itself.
Ask what they are seeing that you are not, rather than who is right.
Talk one sibling at a time, listen first and acknowledge what is true.
Change what you can, such as how you share information and behave at family events, and do not make private promises about ownership.
When the relationship is badly strained, bring in the right outside help.

Conversations with siblings and the wider family are part of what the Second Chair™ method prepares a successor for, rehearsed like any other hard conversation.